lets start at the beginning

Confession: I’m addicted to social media. I check my phone almost compulsively, even if I didn’t hear it beep for a notification or message.

I’ve actually checked my phone about three times while writing this so far.

Now, I’m not here to preach about the joys of being a ludite or even say that social media is bad. In fact, I’m addicted because I love it. I use it to stay in contact with my family and friends who are spread out across the country. I use it to follow famous people who I admire and respect. I use it to get inspiration in my writing and in my personal style. I honestly love social media, particularly Instagram.

But here’s the thing.

I only ever put my best self out there. Yesterday, I took about twenty minutes taking selfies before realizing they just weren’t good enough for me. They didn’t fit an aesthetic I was trying to curate. And instead of posting a cute picture of me feeling good, I internally bashed myself until I deleted all the pictures in shame.

Today, I fell down a rabbit hole of Instagram Influencers. Afterwards, I added about fifty things to my online shopping cart on various online stores that I was sure would cure my feelings of inadequacy and make me an influencer in no time.

If you scroll through my Instagram profile, all you’ll see are carefully chosen and edited pictures, trying to present and project an image of someone. I don’t know if that someone is me.

I honestly have about two hundred followers and barely get forty likes a picture. It’s not like the world is watching. But still, it matters to me. It makes me feel valuable, pretty, important, when I post a picture and I get a like or a comment. Even typing out that sentence made me cringe. But, it’s sadly true.

I’ve noticed a pattern in my life. I look for belonging and acceptance in different outlets. Sometimes it’s healthy ones, like my family or friends. Sometimes it’s seeking out a boyfriend. Sometimes it’s buying way too many clothes because if I dress just right, I’ll finally be enough.

And tonight, while I was journaling, I realized that what I’m so desperately seeking in other people is all God wants to offer me. The love, the acceptance, the peace, the friendship.

What I’m writing isn’t revolutionary. I’m not naive enough to think that other people haven’t said this and probably more eloquently than me.

But I just wanted to take the pressure off you, whoever you are. Take a deep breath, let your shoulders relax. Whether it’s social media comparisons getting you down or something else, just know that God has something planned for you, wherever you are, he’ll meet you there.